Growing up I didn't have the best self confidence. I was tortured with the thoughts of how others would perceive me. I wouldn't dare step out of the box that I knew would keep me safe from other people's remarks. I would shy away from the spotlight, the attention, the person I wanted to be. I didn't express my real opinions because they might not like what I have to say, I wouldn't wear that purple lipstick because they would make fun of me, I didn't wear those heels out because they might think I'm trying too hard.
I lived in a black hole where once in a blue moon I would come out and try something different. One remark about it I would dive back into the hole regretting my decision, and taking twice as long to come out of it again. It was exhausting. I had to calculate my every move, my every outfit, my every word.
For this post I want to talk about how I got out of that black hole forever. I was around 11 years old when I was shopping with my mom. I passed by this white skirt (back when peasant skirts were in) that I fell in love with but knew deep down I didn't have the confidence to wear. I slightly expressed interest to my mom who insisted on buying it for me. She ended up buying me a whole outfit to go along with it. She was so excited for me to wear it the next day to school that I couldn't get out of it. I laid awake that night, going over in my head what the other kids were going to say to me. I feared the worst. The next morning I cautiously got dressed making sure everything was in the right place, hoping not to give another excuse to be made fun of. I will never forget the moment I looked in the mirror and thought to my self: I need to act like this outfit isn't any different than the others. I was going to stride in with my head held high and before I know it I will be back home and not have to wear it again.
That's how it all started. I faked it till I made it. That day I went to school being a scared girl and I came out that day knowing who I wanted to be. I owned that outfit that day I got more compliments than bad remarks. The worst remark I got was why are you so dressed up for? I was okay with that. I was dressed because I wanted to, because it made me feel good, because this outfit represented the real me.
I slowly started dressing the way I wanted to dress. Even though I still had negative thoughts in the back of my head and was always scared for what was going to be said, I pretended to be confident. I slowly started to absorb those compliments I received and they became the foundation to my real confidence. I started to walk with sureness. What used to be a quiet mumbling voice is now a loud, steady voice where no one will ever tell me to speak up again. I became so focused on myself and doing things that made me happy, I didn't realize that I didn't care nor hear anymore bad comments. If there was a bad comment, it didn't effect me. I learned that those kind of negative people were never going to be in my life for that long anyways. So why change myself for that ONE person, they aren't worth it.
To this day, I can say I wake up happy in a world of light and positivity. I can't easily be thrown in that dark hole anymore. I know there are people out there that don't like me, or even talk badly about me. At the end of the day I have this one life, I am given choices everyday and I'm going to take the one that makes me the happiest. Those people will not be there to help me pick up the pieces when I make a mistake, nor will they be there to applaud me when I succeed. They will never tear me down for simply being myself and finally living free.
For anyone who still lives in a world of self doubt: fake it till you make it. It will take courage to ignore those voices in the back of your head, or those negative people- but the journey will be worth it. Go wear what you are want, go say what you mean, GO BE YOURSELF. Slowly you will find people who appreciate exactly who you are. You will be comfortable in your own skin. You will be set free to fly with your own set of wings to go where ever you want.
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