I thought I was happy. The euphoria started wearing off. I stop having the motivation to work on my 2017 goals which included starting my career. The go-getter attitude became just a mere thought of what I ought to do.
I felt I was living a routine now with no feeling and emotion. I started getting lost again and slowly I started becoming depressed. Never as bad as the other times but I definitely wasn't myself.
The ongoing lost feeling lasted about a month when I started really understand why I was feeling like this. I first thought maybe I had just overworked myself: That wasn't it. My goal that I had talked about in my first post "A Fresh New Start" wasn't fueling me. I had no intention in completing it. Funny how I started the year wanted to follow my criminal justice career, my head was in it. As cliché as it sounds, my heart wasn't on board. I ignored my heart because it didn't know any better, and the ideal life is here and now.
Every day I woke up knowing I had to go workout to get fit for the cop test. I knew I should be working more and spending less to get my own apartment. I needed to let my guard down when it comes to dating because it was okay to settle down now. But I was doing the exact opposite. I wasn't doing anything to change it and I didn't care. I knew I had to grow up but I just kept pushing it for the next day.
It's not that I'm not ready to move out of my parents home, or to start paying things on my own or even to have my own career. I am a firm believer that you should do what makes you happy even if that makes you poor. I realize taking steps into adulthood was going to make me stop what I love: traveling. I just wouldn't have the money or time anymore. That scared the shit out of me. Some people might say sacrificing things we love is being an adult in order to support ourselves. I believe that logic is bullshit. There is always a way to end up doing the things we love. It's not going to be the easiest or give you the most out of it; But one thing for sure is if you don't give up and you end up doing what makes you happy and you will never have a bad day in your life.
When I set those goals last year I was thinking about the most realistic thing that most people would do. I had a degree, great friends and great job opportunities that will make me great money and give me success. My heart knew it was not going to fulfill me. I had everything calculated. The logic of the plan convinced me that it is the only way to live my life. My heart will forever belong somewhere else. I had always said I was going to live in France. I have a French name for crying out loud. I wanted to go to Paris since I saw the movie Madeline as a little girl. I took French for seven years asorbing as much as I could because one day I knew I would be there. This place whispers in my ear every chance it has so I wouldn't forget it. Now that I have been there, Paris yells for me to come back, waiting for me with open arms. The one place where everything is about enjoying life, the arts, the fashion, the food. It was the biggest gift life could give me and the biggest curse.
I couldn't leave the idea of Paris alone. The second time I went I stayed for month. I didn't do tourist things, I lived like a Parisian and I loved it. I fit in. I was at home. The home where both my mind and heart are at ease. Back in the states, I lost that motivation because my heart didn't want me to start a life here until I try to live my life there in France. Not until I fail, not until France fails me can I start a normal life in the States with my mind and heart in it together.
I will officially start my French adventure on August 30th. I am going to start my 23rd year of life being an au pair in Paris. This is just a foot in the door. I want to see what opportunities France holds for me and hopefully help me make it a permanent home. I will keep you guys more posted on my life there. I will be honest about my struggles, thoughts and accomplishments.